worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
