and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
