Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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