Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
