Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize