I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
from now on my penis is your penis
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
