dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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