In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
