my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
