We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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