Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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