wanna go halves on a baby?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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