I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize