Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
