I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
