Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
