Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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