when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize