There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
