I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
