Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
