i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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