I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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