We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Who died my cat blue again?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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