Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
