this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
