I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
