i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
