it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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