You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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