There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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