time to smoke my breakfast
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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