You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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