What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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