I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
