You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
