Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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