I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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