I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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