Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
