Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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