I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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