Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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