I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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