I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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