So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize