you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
