I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
