just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
where are you?
Hypothermia
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
