I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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