I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
