Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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