so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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