idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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