In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
