i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
