the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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