i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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