The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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