Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
