I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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