I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
