then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
