Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
