I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
