I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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