I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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