I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
