nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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